ROUND TABLE CONVERSATION WITH IDOGUN- THE ESSENCE OF COURTSHIP

Hey People,
We have a new series in place now. This series brings 6 wonderful and God fearing people to a round table, where they discuss issues that matter. So they will be chatting based on God’s principles. I pray this blesses you
Welcome on board, take the seat closest to you, fasten your seat belt, if there is one, lol, and Let’s talk abourrit.

*Long post ALERT*

You will need two doses of patience 😉 am the doc here

Question: What is courtship and is it necessary? If yes, how many yes do you think it should last?

OBUKS: Courtship is the wooing of love; solicitation of woman for marriage (dictionary meaning). This is the period that comes before engagement or marriage. According to the catholic church, this should last for at least one winter and one summer. In other words at least a year (can be more). I do agree with this doctrine because I feel as human beings we are still finding out things about ourselves daily, therefore, it is impossible to say you truly understand one after a couple of days or weeks and you are ready to spend the rest of your life with them. It is during this period of courtship that the man decides if he is ready to engage the lady and she in turn decides if she really wants to be engaged to this person.Today, the word courtship has been thrown out of the window and replaced with the word dating. I believe even though the word has changed it should carry the same weight

GRACE: Courtship is a ground of preparation for the battlefield. It’s in this place you learn most of the skills that would ensure you success in your marriage. You don’t learn how to use the sword in the battlefield, but you learn beforehand, otherwise you will be a victim. Obuks, brought up a point that got me thinking- is dating and courtship the same thing? Well, from what I have heard, most people use them interchangeably, while the rest say it’s not to be used interchangeably, because dating has no end goal attached to it, but courtship has marriage as its end goal. So am just gonna put a point forward. Before you enter into courtship, yourself and your potential partner should have the same end goal. Because if your goal is marriage and your potential partner has no goal- just wanna have fun, then you’re literally wasting your time, because it would most likely not survive.

Also, make it known to your potential partner initially about your stand on premarital sex. Because if you don’t trash all these things before going into it, you will fail in it.

Courtship is very necessary, it’s like asking me if preparation is necessary for a battle. Marriage is a race and if you don’t prepare well enough or ask the questions that are supposed to be asked before then, you may fall on the way, and it can be difficult to get back up, so the best way to avoid a fall is to ask those that have gotten there how it is like, and the what and what nots; learn how to cook, lol, if you don’t know how to. Learn how to take care of a home, read books (not all books are healthy- so godly books will do) and TALK to your partner.

On your mark, let’s go

The courtship years is totally dependent on the people involved. Some people advocate for long courtships and some for short courtships and others for shorter courtships. Reason for the shorter courtship is to avoid temptations according to them, and the longer courtship advocates say it is to know the person to about 75% and also to become intimate nonsexually. According to Pastor Bimbo Odukoya of blessed memory, before you get married, make sure you and your partner become intimate NONsexually, and she further stated that 6 months is not enough to develop intimacy since intimacy takes time to build. And she was in a 5 year courtship. However, it totally depends on when the intending couples think they are ready to start it and end it.

NONsexual Intimacy is key to a successful marriage

OSAMAN:I agree to what has already been said. Courtship is the most important step, and I agree it should last at least 1 year, though some do go beyond that, depending.

TINU: Christian courtship is the time gap between the day of agreement (of a brother who has proposed to a sister and has gotten her consent regarding God’s leading for marriage to each other) and the day of wedding when the revelation is practically fulfilled.
Courtship is a mutual marriage commitment made between a man and a woman, only as a result of knowing God’s will for each other for the purpose of:
(1) Getting to know each other and their background better.
(2) Providing the opportunity for the intending couple to unite their goals, aspirations, desires, vision, career, number of children to give birth to, the children’s mode of education, finance, relationship with relatives and neighbours, getting conducive accommodation, wedding clothes, etc.
(3)praying for the establishment of a firm foundation for the future home of the intending couple as prayer promotes love, unity, and spiritual growth.
Other points have also been raised by Grace, Obuks and Osaman on the usefulness of courtship and I agree totally with all.
Concerning the time frame for courtship I will reason 6 months to 2 years depending on different factors one of which is finance.

UNITY: Courtship is a period of time set apart by two individuals, usually of the opposite sex to exchange deeper levels of commitment usually before marriage. During this time they are said to be engaged to one another! Courtship is most necessary as it affords two different people an opportunity of seperation, deep interaction, mutual investigation which leads to a stronger commitment from both parties. Period of Courtship could vary – from 1 day to 1 month to a few years. With humans, relativity is a constant. What applies for one might not for another. Provided this period affords the two parties, ample time to know each other better for a deeper commitment prior to marriage, then it’s okay!

AWELE: .I really don’t have anything to add again, at least a lot has being said and we are all correct. COURTSHIP is entered into once a man and a woman has known God’s will of a marriage partner, outside this we have no courtship.. I really love Tinuke’s contribution for that is truly the Christian standard of courting. We have said it all, going on to say anything further is repetition.
And for duration, 6months-1yr is okay. There is no need for long courtship except in rare occasions if God directs you, for you can never know all about your partner, and you can extend it, if God directs you. You will still be learning about him/her till death do you apart

I didn’t realize he was like this 😦 Had I known, I would have done courtship before getting married.. Issshh

IDOGUN: Thank you all for airing your opinions. Obuks, are you saying that the Catholic Church advocates for short courtships?
OBUKS: The catholic church does not advocate for short term courtships. It just says that, that is the least period you should take to know yourselves. In the end its up to the couple. Personally, I think longer is better, because I can keep up an act for a whole year but the odds of me keeping up that act longer than a year is low. Which means the longer you spend with someone the less they are able to keep up an act around you and you can see them for who they really are
IDOGUN: Alright! and the point you just made now is true- you cannot hide your true self for a very long time. One day, your true self will show up. I see everyone’s view on the period of time courtship should last. Awele said if God directs you, you can extend it and I say Amen to that. Unity made a point, where he said, relativity is constant for humans and that’s true. You would be amazed at the outrageous things people do today ( a day courtship) Lol

Question: So what issues do you think should be trashed out during the courtship years?

OBUKS: During courtship, the couple should get to know each others names and family backgrounds for starters (just to strike out the possibilities of being related :)). Get to know each others likes and dislikes, if they have a temper or not and if you are ready to endure that for the rest of your life. Financial standings should also be discussed thoroughly during this period. Now, this is a controversial topic as many see it as very important and others think it should not matter. Well, I think it is as a matter of fact very important. The couple should be able to discuss how much they both earn and if one or both are unemployed, what their plan to address the issue is.

Nope! This is MINE, I got it by my sweat. There’s no sharing when it comes to my money

They should also be able to learn each others’ strong points, weaknesses and habits and consider if they can tolerate it. Also, it is at this juncture that they should both consider aspects of the other they would like to change (obviously for the better, otherwise it is pointless) and find out if the other is willing to change. You do not wait until you are engaged or married then expect that person to change for you.
And if the change you want is something you cannot live without, then you discontinue the courtship. These and lots more are issues that should be sorted out over the period of courtship. Obviously, you cannot possibly know everything about a person during this period. But the most important aspects should be covered. And while this is going on you should have it at the back of your mind that God frowns on divorce, so tread carefully 😉

GRACE: At this point, you determine if you and your partner can go forward or not- that’s, if you share the same belief system. It’s the time to TALK about your dreams, desires, goals, objectives and plan your future (how many children you would love to have) you can also go to the movies 😉 and for fun stuff like that.

It is the time to ask questions, time to develop yourself in character and in mind, time to learn how to live with a man or a woman ( I mean, men and women think and act differently. So this is the time to learn more about how men think for the lady and vice versa) because it’s not everyone that knows how to live with people. But as soon as you go into the engagement period for those who think this is necessary, inconsequential matters should be put aside, and real matters like finance, the church to attend (you don’t want to go to different churches when married, because this brings disunity— well, it’s a topic for another day), the apartment they will live in, when do they want to start bringing in children, is it immediately or 2 years later, etc. the end goal of the engagement period is for couples to have a roadmap that would guide them through the years of marriage. For those that think courtship period is enough to venture into marriage and engagement is not necessary, they can talk about finance and everything here.

Courtship is the time to talk the plan, engagement is the time to establish the plan and marriage is the time to work the plan

OSAMAN:
It is important you know a lot of things about each other such as Basic attitude and how he/she reacts to issues, Finances, likes/dislikes, if he/she is a Christian or not, etc.

However, I will want to bring out one important point I believe every would-be couple should know about each other before agreeing to tie the nuptial knot, and that is, the health status of each other. It is very important you know at the early stage if he/she has any ailment and see if such can be managed or not. For example:

* Does he/she have any congenital problems you are yet to know?
* Is he/she asthmatic?
* Does he/she have any terminal disease?
* Does he/she have any genetic illness that can be passed on to offspring?
* What about his/her genotype?
Etc……

Among the ones listed above, some can be managed through the course of the marriage, but some cannot and will result in more problems. You may say I am sentimental, but to me, if you are to enjoy a healthy (physical health) marriage, you should consider these things very seriously! For example, it would not be nice getting married, only to become a widow/widower within a couple of years when actually you had a fore-knowledge of the situation. Let’s take the most common ailment relating to marriage/genetics; I mean Genotype. If during courtship you discover you are of genotype AS and your would-be spouse is AS or SS, there is no point going down the aisle. Though medical evidence reveals that the first 2 issues from an AS-AS marriage can be SS free, after which the 3rd issue comes with the SS syndrome, but it is not a risk worth trying. There are cases where an AS-AS marriage produced SS all through. They say “Love can stand all things”, but trust me, not everyone can handle this. End the relationship and save the unborn child(ren) the pain of living with such illness for life. Infact save your Cleric the stress of endless prayers and all-night meetings. I’m not saying those with AS and SS cannot get married; they can, if they find the right spouse with the adequate genotype. “A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage”.

Mum, dad, what did I do to deserve this? You did nothing sweetie 😦

TINU:
To crown it all courtship period is a hallowed period and must be approached seriously with the right intentions, otherwise, you would be playing with the success of your marriage either as a man or a woman. It is a time during which important issues about your past, present and future are trashed out. I believe before a man or woman goes into courtship they shouldn’t have the mindset of what if it doesn’t work because you ought to come into courtship with an approval from God and if God has given you his word concerning a brother or a sister and you discover some unpleasant things about the person all I advise is to take the matter back to God.
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Finally, we should be able to learn how to make necessary adjustments as to our time, socials, friendship, culture, spending attitude etc.
I hope I have been able to sum up my believe on Christian courtship

Unity:
Issues to be discussed ranges from very trivial to very important subjects. If any partner has concerns, doubts or fears over any issue before final commitment of marriage, it is critical such issues are talked over! From Money, family background, new family setting, sex, location of residence, individual dreams, favourite meal, personal visions et cetera. Courtship time is simply TALKING TIME! If it bothers you, talk about it!

AWELE: Courtship takes a lot of DISCERNMENT to be successful in it, for only the HolySpirit will help you to be sensitive to who your partner truly is and furthermore, it takes lot of praying and studying of the Word together to truly go through courtship successfully and God’s own way.

IDOGUN: Great stuff!
My darling OBUKS said, “You do not wait until you are engaged or married then expect that person to change for you.”
True! If you cannot talk him/her to change during courtship, then you might as well forget it in marriage. Because someone who didn’t change to get you won’t change to keep you. Hehehe 😀 Therefore, it’s in your best interest to probe deeply and check if you can live with that attitude in marriage during the courtship years. If you can’t, then discontinue it according to OBUKS.
Osaman talked about the health concerns. And I think this is an important aspect. At least be open to tell your potential partner if you have any congenital illnesses, so there would be no surprises in marriage. With that said, I still believe strongly that God can heal. He has done it countless times, so this is not an issue for him.
TINU made an important point where she said you shouldn’t go into courtship with the mindset of “what if”, and I say Amen to that. Lol. Before you go into it, you should have already gotten an approval from God. Your going into courtship is to develop each other and yourself and see the likes and dislikes. Amen???
And then Unity said courtship time is talking time. Don’t waste your courtship years saying sweet nothings without TALKING. Use your mouth to talk and not Kiss according to Pastor Bimbo Odukoya of blessed memory. So that in the end, it would benefit you and your marriage.

Discussing finance during courtship or the engagement period is very crucial, seeing that money is one of the issues that destroys marriages.

Here love, this is my salary for this month. How are we gonna spend it?

Back to you my people. What’s your take on this? Do you agree with what have been said so far or do you disagree? If you have anything to say, please feel free to drop your comments below 😀

With Love,
Ese