Premarital Sex: Saying No (When Your Body Wants It)

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Following last week’s article about Premarital Sex, I thought it was imperative that  today’s article be a follow up about helpful tips on how to avoid throwing sex into the mix when you are in a relationship. The article on Premarital Sex got many ‘likes’, comments and emails coming in. Apparently, so many women were glad that the big elephant  in the room of sex before marriage was been addressed. If you missed that article, I encourage you to read it here as it will serve  as a  good foundation to this one. So you’ve made the decision to not have sex until you’re married. Whether you’ve had sex in the past or you haven’t, you know it may be a struggle to say no when tempted. I understand, I’ve been there.

One thing I’ve learnt in the past few years is that the ‘WHY’ of a decision can be a strong motivating factor to do everything within one’s power to stick to that decision.

You must figure out WHY you want to abstain from sex before marriage.

 Write it down. Make it plain. Don’t write ambiguous reasons like “because it’s a sin” or “because it’s wrong”. Your reasons have to spring from the core of who you are. It has to be solid so you won’t reason it away in the midst of challenges. What if in the heat of emotions you reason “God understands and will forgive me”? Not saying God won’t forgive but there are consequences of your action that you’d still have to face. 

One of my reasons-amongst others- of abstaining from sex before marriage was because I never wanted to carry the baggage of guilt,doubt and mistrust with me into marriage.I had read books about women who were married to wonderful men but dealing with guilt  due to premarital sexual relations and unable to fully accept their husbands love and trust. Another reason was, I didn’t want to ruin the relationship I had with my fiance at the time. We were getting to know each other and had a wonderful relationship  of love and trust going.Having sex wasn’t going to solidify that love and trust, rather, it would shatter it. I didn’t want that to happen. 

Communicate your decision to your boyfriend/fiance right from the onset

When is the right time to discuss it with your partner? I say right from day one. Unless you aren’t really serious and are just taking the guy for a ride. If you are serious about a relationship and you are dating someone with the possibility of getting married, you want to come out plain right from the start. Waiting to define your stand in this area is like waiting for a siren to blow before you get out of a burning building. If you stand and watch the building burn, you might be consumed before you hear the siren. Besides, letting your boyfriend know is  a great way to see if this is someone worth sticking with long term. It also tells the guy “I’m not here to play games, I’m serious”. If you think he might think of you as a prude, let him go find a woman who isn’t a prude. There are plenty out there. 

                                     Don’t let someone make you feel stupid for your decision or tell you everyone is doing it. NOT everyone is doing it. 

Plus, if everyone was doing it, why isn’t he dating everyone instead? It’s so sad that the culture perpetuates this lie and the media sells this big lie that everyone is into unmarried sex. Thus, making every single person who isn’t doing it think they are the last woman/man standing. It’s untrue. There are people out there who still have their priorities right and aren’t having unmarried sex. I’m not just talking teenagers, I’m talking adults. It’s all about perception. If you buy into the lie of ‘everyone is doing it’, you’ll find it difficult to find someone who isn’t ‘doing it’.

Define Boundaries

Here is where things get grey but it doesn’t have to be so. People often ask “how far is too far?” My answer is don’t even start the journey.Why play with fire if you don’t want to get burned? My fiance and I not only agreed on no sex before marriage but we set boundaries. I let him know that I would not be kissed until my wedding day. You think that’s extreme? Well, an olympic athlete doesn’t eat McDonalds for  breakfast, lunch and dinner. No, athletes don’t eat anything and everything set before them because they have a goal in mind. So do we. I wasn’t about to fool anyone. I knew I was deeply attracted to him and kissing was never going to satisfy either one of us long term. No need to get all philosophical on this one. Do what works for you. All I’m saying is, our hormones have a low boiling point. When you set them on fire, don’t think you can just extinguish the flames on demand. My dear, it doesn’t work that way.

Avoid being alone with him where you can’t be interrupted

When my husband and I were courting, I was working in a neighboring state and only came home every two or three weeks. I always missed him so much so the temptation to get physical was very real. We were both committed to not getting physically intimate so we decided to always meet outdoors. This meant whenever he came around, we had to leave for a restaurant or some public place. I must confess it wasn’t always fun. There were many times neither of us cared for the food and wished we could just go back to the house. It took discipline and will power not to do so. This worked out though because we strategically planned each visit. This leads me to the next point…

Have an agenda and a purpose for each time you meet

Having an agenda and purpose for every meeting rather than “I just had to see you” is a great plan to avoid the path to sex.  On the other hand, spending two hours doing nothing but staring into each other’s eyes and declaring how much you love each other isn’t exactly a great plan.  I’m not suggesting a board meeting kind of arrangement. I mean planning what you’d discuss ahead of your meeting. Things that pertain to the future of your relationship. My fiance and I would not only discuss our work life in the previous weeks but this was the time we really got to know each other’s vision for the future, beliefs about marriage, views about parenting and so forth. What if he wants nine kids and you were only planning on having three? Or what if his dream is to live around the world, never staying in one place for more than four months and you just want to live in your hometown, raise a family and live a quiet life? This are serious issues in marriage that have led some to the divorce courts. If we want to build long lasting relationships and share our lives with someone, this issues should be discussed rather than getting into each others clothes.

When sex gets in the recipe without marriage, our judgement becomes clouded and we are blinded to warning signals. 


No Sexinese allowed

“Sexinese”=sex talk. I learnt as a teenager that our most sensitive sex organ is our minds.What we think about, we are likely to say and what we say and think about, we are more likely to do. Why discuss about sex and related matters if marriage isn’t yet in the foreseeable future? As ladies, we are moved by words easily and discussing sex only makes us aware of our decision to not  do it now. This blinds us to the beautiful relationship we are building that doesn’t involve sex. The words “I feel like kissing you” were forbidden when my husband and I were courting. We didn’t go there. 

Saving sex for marriage is one of the best decisions I ever made. Words can’t describe the joy and ecstasy my husband and I felt the very first time we kissed on our wedding day. There was no doubt in our minds that we made the right decision being together. Imagine the joy, the fulfillment, the satisfaction that you too would feel knowing that you shared your body with the man who had committed to love, hold and cherish you for the rest of his life in front of witnesses. Imagine the man you love looking into your eyes with such love, respect and admiration.

If you haven’t always abstained from sex as a single, don’t let the guilt and perhaps the bitterness from prior relationships hold you back from experiencing the joy of waiting. Let go, forgive, read books like Every Woman’s battle by Shannon Ethridge. Learn how women just like you have been able to leave their past in the past and forge ahead to a great future.

Know that God isn’t mad at you. He loves you and his heart’s desire is that you come to know and accept that love. 

To Him, you are a woman of great worth and He  calls you beautiful. 


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