By ‘Seun Salami
Check out this blog: http://vinemag.com/if-staying-married-is-so-difficult-why-get-married/
In the light of recent developments – seven months old marriages crashing – I feel the need to share a bit of the knowledge I have gathered on my now two years old journey.
No marriage is immune to divorce. That must be stated. The survival or failure of it depends on the amount of ‘crap’ each partner is willing (or not) to take, sacrifices each partner is willing to make to keep both partners happy as well as wishes and desires each partner is willing to let go of for the sake of the union. That is why it is serious folly to be quick to condemn people whose marriages have hit the rocks. If you are married, you should know what I mean.
That said; let me quickly say that there are several reasons why marriages fail. This entire website will not contain an article on all of the reasons, because they are just as diverse and/or as peculiar as the individuals in a union. However, let me point out a few as they come to mind.
The first reason why marriages crash is ‘the reason’ why people get married in the first place.
Honestly, you need to hear some of the funny reasons why people end up in some marriages, then you wonder how come they are out of it in no time? I’m sure you know about the “I’m getting old”, “My family already know him/her”, “We have a child together”, “Who else will marry me”, and all what not. But there are more subtle reasons.
These days, young ladies seem to be much more excited about the whole ‘proposal’ and ‘ring giving’ part of things (and of course, the big fairy tale wedding) than they are about the marriage itself and getting to understand the demands of (and thus equip themselves for) the institution they are getting into.
Marriage is not a joke. It is a ministry. Serious Work. It requires more dedication than your 9 to 5 job.
I mean, ask some ladies simple questions about marriage and the things they can ‘take’ and not ‘take’, and you’ll see my point. You just know they are not ready. Marriage is beyond all of these phony and flimsy things you do when you are a single chick.
By the way, have you ever heard Fela Durotoye say, Men date chicks but they marry wives?
That explains why certain courtships break up, even the ones you could have sworn were headed for the altar. When it is time for a man to pick a wife, his antenna suddenly becomes razor sharp and he raises the bar. The things that you did as a babe that attracted him to you suddenly take the back seat, because now he is thinking of you as a wife who can cook and clean (even though that’s not all there is to it, it remains important) and still be his bedroom fantasy. If the latter is all you’re good at and you plan to ‘pin him down’ with, sorry for you. Men also want a serious minded woman to engage in conversation, share ideas with and still be flexible enough to do the laundry, prepare dinner and get the kids (and himself) ready for school and work the next day.
This craze about fabulous engagements and big-big rings and fancy weddings seems cool. But if you can’t back it up with preparedness for the marriage institution, you are sleeping on an okada. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to have a nice proposal, engagement and all, but it is better to have a truly enviable union.
Don’t let getting proposed to become your life ambition. Don’t become so obviously desperate and celebrate it so much like it was an award for the best union ever. If everything crashes, you will forget about the whole proposal paparazzi. Those who saw your DP with the ring will be the first to send your divorce story to Linda. God help you if you are even a celeb.
But then, Marriage is not all work, work, work. There is a lot of pleasure too. It is a blissful thing instituted by God Himself. But you only get what you put in. Give love and you will receive love and bliss in return.
So before you start celebrating a proposal, or decide to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever because you are getting old, please pray to God and let Him lead you. And be wise. This is a serious matter. Yes, we know some Christian marriages too have failed but that doesn’t mean God’s standards have changed.
I can go on and on, but the next time you hear “irreconcilable differences”, it simply means “this one pass me”. If Benny Hinn and his divorced wife could come back together after so long, it means differences are reconcilable if we can make the necessary sacrifice. Yes, sometimes it is big sacrifice, really big. That’s why it’s called marriage. It’s better to stay single than to become a serial divorcee.
Don’t forget what I said at the start; No marriage is immune to this thing called divorce. But we must all work hard at it.
May God bless your union.